A treatment for a web comic yet to be produced
“In the beginning, there was the Creator. The Creator created all kinds of stuff. It was like an obsession or something. The creator’s friends worried about him because he would just stay in his apartment all day, creating things. So the Creator’s girlfriend, Alexa, told the Creator that he had made too much stuff, and that he should stop creating. They got in a big argument, and they broke up. The Creator was pissed the fuck off. He hit the bottle pretty hard, and then got an idea. He created the Destroyer and told the Destroyer to destroy Alexa. The Destroyer said ok, and two weeks later the Destroyer and Alexa were going out. Can you believe that shit? Anyway, needless to say, the Creator and Destroyer weren’t friends anymore, and all the Creator’s stuff was getting destroyed. So, the Creator, in a fit of drunken hysteria, decided to leave and never come back. Before he left, he made the Wonder Animals to take care of the Universe while he was out “getting his shit together,” and “finding himself.”
So, the Wonder Animals were left in charge of keeping the Destroyer and Alexa at bay in the Creator’s absence. But lo, the Destroyer and Alexa broke up shortly after the Creator had gone to Miami and started a career as a DJ. The Destroyer now mostly hangs out with the Wonder Animals, who are all out of a job, and Alexa is probably off somewhere being a bitch. And that’s what happened to the Universe and junk.
– From the top selling book “Theology and Junk”, by Gas Station Armadillo, PhD
Cast of Characters: These are the Wonder Animals, beings of great power set in place by the Creator to preserve the Universe from the Destroyer and the Creator’s ex-girlfriend, Alexa. Ever since the Destroyer and Alexa broke up and stopped trying to destroy everything, the Wonder Animals have been out of a job.
Star Falcon: One of the top ranking Wonder Animals, Star Falcon originally was the valiant protector of the stars. Now he works at Jackson Hewitt, and uses his spare time to find jobs for his fellow Wonder Animals. Star Falcon still occasionally receives orders from Universe Lion regarding matters of defending the Universe, and occasionally goes on missions, but everyone knows he’s just going through the motions. Star Falcon eats a lot of Lo Mein, and he sometimes hits on young girls. He gives pointless tasks to the Wonder Animals, and gets mad when they fuck them up… but not that mad. Star Falcon is good at table tennis, and never calls it ping-pong.
Sun Turtle: Sun Turtle used to be the guardian of the Sun, but then he stopped. Whatever. Sun Turtle is going places. He’s roommates with Moon Rabbit. He gets morose sometimes, but that doesn’t stop him from kicking ass. Sun Turtle is self-conscious about his shell, and about a lot of other stuff too. He is jealous of Moon Rabbit, because Moon Rabbit thinks he’s a hot shot, but he ISN’T! Sun Turtle is also best friends with Gas Station Armadillo. Gas Station Armadillo is really smart and funny, and he has a shell too, so they get along. Sun Turtle is good at video games, and he tells girls that his shell changes colors according to his moods. It doesn’t
Oh yeah, Star Falcon recently asked Sun Turtle to guard the elixir of life. Sun Turtle is self-conscious about this, and doesn’t think he’ll do a good job. Sun Turtle is all about self-fulfilling prophecies.
Moon Rabbit: Moon Rabbit is a hot shot. He used to be the Wonder Animal in charge of protecting the Moon. That’s ancient history at this point. Everything he does turns into hot bitches. Sometimes he wears sun glasses, and its always cool. Moon Rabbit is a playa, but not the kind that women dislike. Moon Rabbit always plays his cards right, and he’s roommates with Sun Turtle. He thinks Sun Turtle’s a sucker, and he tries to get him laid, but not really. Moon Rabbit used to hang out with Star Falcon, but then Star Falcon got really whatever, so now Moon Rabbit makes it happen on his own terms. The two things Moon Rabbit has in common with a chocolate rabbit is that he is rabbit-shaped, and hollow on the inside.
Gas Station Armadillo: Gas Station Armadillo was originally made by the Creator to protect all of the Gas Stations in the universe. He is one of the few Wonder Animals who still has a steady job. He works in a gas station, and sells all manner of stuff in his Quick Mart, including cheap snacks, skin mags and mystic artifacts of universal power. He has a burgeoning career as a nonfiction author, and knows a lot of stuff about wine and art and junk. He’s Sun Turtle’s best friend. Gas Station Armadillo has a girlfriend that he refuses to introduce to anyone else, and he is also loaded. Gas Station Armadillo is an idea man, but he has allergies, which sucks.
Heather: Heather is a student at Bard College, a human, and friends with the Wonder Animals. She wears glasses, and is very socially conscious. Her great-uncle was a famous explorer. Heather believes in Astrology, but not conspiracy theories about global politics, because she doesn’t believe people can keep secrets very well. She has ghost powers, but cannot explain what those are or how they work.
Universe Lion: Universe Lion is king of the Wonder Animals. Only Star Falcon has met him in person. Universe Lion supposedly still protects the Universe from Alexa and the Destroyer, and he assigns missions to Star Falcon sometimes. Sometimes he calls the Wonder Animals to tell them he can’t make it to the poker game after all. People think Universe Lion has a gay crush on Star Falcon. Gas Station Armadillo is writing a short story about it.
The Destroyer: The Destroyer has been kinda weird since Alexa broke up with him. He’s stopped destroying stuff on purpose, but still does it alot on accident. He can’t help it. The Destroyer is a nice guy, but he never has cash on him. He usually has heartfelt conversations with Sun Turtle about his feelings, and thinks about calling the Creator every once in a while.
The Creator: No one has seen the Creator in a while. He sends post cards occasionally, and says he’s having a blast in Miami and is getting laid and whatnot. He’s a DJ of moderate talent, and he drinks like a fish.
Alexa: Alexa is a shameless hussy. Sun Turtle has a crush on her, of which he is self-conscious. Moon Rabbit often hatches plans to prank her and film it and sell it to MTV, but he never follows through on these plans. Alexa is suing Gas Station Armadillo for libelous portrayal of her in the book “Theology and Junk,” in which she is characterized as a shameless whore. She is.
© 2004 Brennan Lee Mulligan. All rights reserved.